1 or 10,000

Hello everyone,

My therapist told me that I need to not be so compassionate towards others and acknowledge my pain that I’ve been through a lot. I was telling her that even being raped once is too much, that trauma is trauma, that numbers don’t matter. It all hurts. Which is true, it all hurts. She told me yes it does, but I need to acknowledge that I’ve been hurt, a lot, that being raped over 10,000 times is more traumatic than being raped once.

I’ve been on both sides of this equation. When I was ten, I was raped by a “friend”, a girl. I was told by a parent that “it wasn’t real rape”, that has stuck with me, I think it’s why I need so much validation and yet, I never seem to get it, even now. That was very hard on me as a child, to hear. I struggled with it only being one time, thinking I didn’t have a right to hurt, that others had it worse. Did that I mean I didn’t have a right to hurt? NO! Did that mean because it was “just once” that it didn’t traumatize me?? NO! Just because I was told it “wasn’t real rape”, did that make it true? NO! And yes, as a teenager about 14 to 15 I looked up the laws on rape, because if I ever say anything happened to me, I can assure you it is by the legal definition of the word. I spent hours and hours looking up laws trying to prove to myself that it WASN’T rape, but I never found that it wasn’t, it was. Being raped “even just once” is painful and traumatic, and you have a right to heal! Even if it’s “only once”, rape is rape and it hurts! You have a right to healing and to feel however you feel!

That being said, after my trafficking experience, I wish I could say I was raped once, instead of over 10,000 times (and that 10,000 number, was JUST my trafficker, not the people he sold me to). (Also if you’re wondering how I came up with that number, my trafficker did whatever he wanted usually 3 times a day over the course of 10 years). Anyway, being raped that many times, it’s a lot to wrap one’s head around. It’s a lot to process. It’s a big number, it’s a lot! And it hurts like hell!! My trafficker literally told me women aren’t allowed to say no, that he wanted to “break my spirit”. Being raped so many times, I hope it’s something you never know. I was living from one rape to the next. I would pray to whoever would listen, just not today, please not today, or not again, just once today please!, I was never heard. I was raped in my sleep, I know because sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of being raped and go back to sleep because it was better to be unaware or my trafficker would tell me how I was raped in my sleep or show the porn video he posted of me on a site. I was his “sex slave” and he never let me forget it. He used those videos to get buyers. Anyway, I’m getting off topic here. My point is, now I wish I could say the only time I was raped was when I was ten. Being trafficked is an entirely different experience than domestic violence or even rape, because when we normally talk about rape we don’t talk about people being sold, even though when you are sold you are raped, also when your trafficked it is CONSTANT nonstop abuse, it’s not oh he beat me once a week, it’s constant, trafficking, it’s a different experience. Being sold for something is a whole level of trauma in itself, because it shows you that you are completely worthless, you’re only worth what you are being sold for, in my case mainly drugs.

I guess my point is, I’ve been through hell and I’m traumatized by it, but that doesn’t mean that those who’ve been raped once don’t have a right to heal and grow. Trauma effects everyone differently. We all have a right to heal, no matter what we’ve been through.

I really REALLY appreciate comments, they help me know someone is listening. Thank you.

Thank you for reading. Don’t forget to Shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!

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Support group…..

Hello everyone,

So, I tried a support group tonight because my therapist thinks I need more support, which I would agree with. It’s not a human trafficking survivor support group it’s a DV survivor support group. I figured I’d try it and see. It was only my first one, but I felt out of place already.

Technically, you could call what I went through Domestic Violence as well, but it was trafficking through and through, it’s different than domestic violence, the experience itself is different, it’s constant and unrelenting. It was only my first session so I’ll try again next week, maybe I’ll connect more then? I wish there was a group of trafficking survivors who truly understood in my area, yes I’ve looked. I talked a bit to one lady but she never got back to me. All my survivor friends are in other places, except one, and I don’t want to burden her too much.

I just wish I didn’t feel so out of place in the group. The experience of being trafficked is one entirely it’s own. It’s similar in some ways but drastically different in others…. I just want someone to truly understand. I know everyone’s experience is different, but I just feel alone.

Thank you for reading, Always look for the light! Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win!

It’s been a minute….

Hello everyone

I know it’s been a minute since I wrote, there’s been a lot going on. I no longer have a therapist (the organization she was with has a huge waitlist so those the know they need to refer out they told to find a new therapist. My therapist thought she could make it so we would have until the end of this month, but she was wrong so now I have no therapist.) I’m on a waitlist with another organization, but it’s six weeks out. I’m going to try to try a few places tomorrow and see how that goes.

I did get a psychiatrist though. He’s upping my medication for depression (the medication he’s having me take also helps with anxiety and CPTSD symptoms). He was nice which was good, he said “oh my god” a lot though. Kinda like that meme that says “I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say wow that much in the first session.” I’m waiting for a PA (prior authorization) to go through on the new dosage though.

This week without a therapist has been rough. I did have a wonderful time at a concert though, it was AWESOME, although finding the car was a bit of an issue. The weekend was good, but tiring. Other than the weekend it’s been hard though. My therapist (now my not therapist) thinks writing might help, so here I am, writing.

My depression has been bad lately. The flashbacks are not good, they’ve been horrible to put it lightly. I think I had a repressed memory come up and I couldn’t even share it with my therapist because it was our last session and dealing with major trauma was not okay in our last session apparently. I still need to process it and I want to talk to someone about it but everyone I know is going through major stuff right now. I’d really like it if someone told me I matter, that I’m worth more than drugs (that’s what I was sold for, and I hate them), that I’m loved. This depressive episode has been a minute and I wish it’d go away.

On the bright side I read a book my best friend said would trigger me and I should never read and I did okay with it because I read it despite her telling me not to (yes she did this because she knows I’m hard headed and don’t want to not be-able to read a book due to my trauma and she was trying to show me how strong I am).

I guess that’s a little update, there’s more, but that’s all for now.

Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!

Scheduling

Hello everyone!,

I hope you are all doing okay, and thank you for coming on this journey with me. So, Friday was stressful to say the least. I met with my therapist and we talked about some things. We discussed how I didn’t realize I was abducted. My therapist asked what did you call it then? I didn’t call it anything up to that point…. Going with someone because they told me to and I was scared not to because of what they said they’d do? It honestly didn’t process up until this point. I feel like this adds to everything else and that’s hard to process too.

I haven’t been in a good headspace the past few days, I really just want to go to my best friends and play a game or something just hang out but I’m told apparently I do that to much (by others not my best friend). So, I’m here not doing that, stuck with my thoughts and all these memories.

I don’t have therapy this upcoming week due to scheduling conflicts. My therapist said it’d be good to see how I do for a week without therapy. I sent her an email this morning that said so far not good, not doing good and it’s only Sunday.

I’m going to go see if anyone here wants to play a game of something or other we shall see, but I think they might all be preoccupied. The good news is I have a second interview and I started my second course at Elevate Academy! It’s interesting and I’m able to go the zoom meeting for it this Monday so that will be good! I’m really enjoying these classes and learning a lot! Maybe I’ll see if I can find a good book to read. Thank you for reading.

Don’t forget to Shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!

Just a little bit

Image found on Facebook

Hello!

It’s been a little bit since I wrote anything. Things have been hectic with work and life. This past week has been rough. My dog got ran over. That really hurts, we’ve had her since she was a puppy. I’d show you a picture but my trafficker has seen her and it’s a safety issue to do so. I miss her, a lot.

Yesterday, I did a hard thing. I went to my drs appointment and had my “womanly check up” a nurse lady held my hand, I squeezed it really hard, I hope it didn’t hurt her hand. It was so triggering. The part that triggered me the most was actually a loud click type noise and the worst part is I’m not exactly sure why, although I have an idea. The entire thing was triggering, but I noticed that part was a bit more so. But, I got through it. I ended up at my best friends house after, but I got through it. By the end of the day I even cracked a joke or two, go me! 😊

I also had therapy before my Drs appointment so it was just a long day mentally. In therapy we are working on mindfulness to increase the size of my hippocampus I believe is what she called it, because apparently during trauma that part shrinks. My therapist complimented me on how well I’m doing, she said a lot of people wouldn’t be able to function the way I do. What she doesn’t know is being strong is the only way I know how to survive, it’s a survival tactic. It’s all I know. Plus, my mom raised a warrior, a strong warrior if I do say so myself. I got my bravery and my strength from her. My therapist also reminded me that these are my sessions and I don’t have to answer questions if I don’t want to which is good, I needed to be reminded of that. I’m not used to not having to answer questions when asked, I’m not used to having control of anything, so I’m trying to learn that.

So, I also went to my first zoom meeting for my classes this week. I was excited about that. It was nice to see and hear other survivors. I learned a lot and it was a really good thing. I think that’s all for now, thank you for reading and coming on this journey with me, it really does mean a lot.

Always look for the light! Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win!

~Tiffany

Heavy

So the word of the day yesterday was heavy. My therapist asked my to describe how my trauma felt in my body and I said heavy. It’s heavy.

It’s so very heavy. 10 years, a decade of my life, I was trafficked for. Not to mention the abuse in my childhood, (I was raped by a friend when I was ten) that’s fun. (Sarcasm). Yesterday’s session was hard. We slightly went over a few things. Her homework for me is to do a body scan three times a day. Wish me luck!

I’m tired I think I might go back to sleep now. Good night.

Never let them win!

Don’t forget to Shine!

Hello

Hello everyone,

Sorry I didn’t post Sunday, I try to post usually once a week on Sunday, but didn’t this week, so I’m going to post today.

My therapist gave a pamphlet on PTSD and part of it talked about how torture can cause PTSD and that triggered me a little. My trafficker use to threaten me with various forms of torture. I’m not sure if what happened could technically legally be considered torture, but from the little (and I mean very little, as in I haven’t even scratched the surface little) I’ve told my therapist she said she would consider it torture (I’ve only really told her small parts of the psychological and mental abuse) so I guess that surprised me and I’m not sure what to think of that. She also said she wants to give me the proper tools to process my trauma before we talk about so it’s going to be awhile before we start to talk about it. She compared my blog to a container where I can talk about my trauma and then contain it by pressing X, so that’s good and apparently helpful in healing. I knew this blog would be helpful 😀.

I’m starting to think my trauma might have have been more traumatic than I let myself think… or process… However, my best friend says I need to listen to my therapist and not pull the band aid off of everything before I have the tools to do so, so I’m trying not to do that. It’s hard because I want to heal from it and I know the only way to do that is to process it, but I have to wait until I have the right “tools” so I’m continuing to get new tools until I can use them well to process everything.

In other news, I added not one but two physical books to my app!! My bookclub book and the first book I got myself after I escaped my trafficker. I’m proud of myself for that. 😊

Thank you for reading!

Don’t forget to Shine! Never let them win!

Therapy

I had my first therapy session Monday. My therapist seems really nice, she gave me homework to make a timeline of my life. There was the 10 years I was trafficked and I just put ten years of trafficking through personal sexual servitude and being sold to others. I’ll make another post explaining personal sexual servitude… it’s essentially being someone’s “sex slave” because they have control over your basic necessities. There was so much that happened in those ten years. There’s some things I can’t even think about without going to a place where I want to hurt myself, but I won’t, just so you know, that would be letting them win and I’ll never let them win.

My therapist said she comes from a place of strength meaning what I had to do to survive was what I had to do to survive. I’m not sure what to think about that. I took the ptsd question test and actually scored higher than I thought I would, I guess I’m not doing as well as I thought. ☹️ My therapist said since we are talking about it my symptoms might increase before they get better, which doesn’t sound fun.

On the bright side my best friend and I are starting a book club! (It’s just the two of us lol) this month we are reading “Lore”, it sounds like it will be good and I’m excited to start it!

Thank you for reading my thoughts, it means a lot knowing someone is listening.

Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win!

~T