Nightmares

*** TRIGGER WARNING***

Trigger warning: This blog post contains content which may cause emotional distress to the reader. In the event that any emotional distress occurs while reading the post, kindly desist from reading and seek professional help immediately. If you are concerned that this post may trigger an adverse reaction at this point, kindly stop reading and seek professional help if needed. By continuing to read this post, it means that you understand the associated risks.

Hello everyone,

I had a nightmare the other night, and I can’t seem to shake it. (I’m pretty sure this was a memory) I only saw a hand on the back or my head and my hair a mess. It felt like I was in a house… I was passed around to different men, each taking their turn. It smelled. I can’t seem to get this nightmare/possible memory out of my head… I don’t know what to think. I’m hoping writing it out here might help it get out of my mind.

I had my second EMDR session, it went okay. Healing is just so hard sometimes…. I just want to curl in a ball and block out the world. My therapist said we aren’t doing hypnosis, EMDR won’t make the memories go away… my thought was we can do that?? I’d rather have them go away. Yet, not knowing everything is hard too. It’s a weird double edged sword.

So, I’m hoping writing out that nightmare/maybe memory will help. Thanks for listening.

Never let them Win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!

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Finding home

Good morning!

There’s a lot that has been happening emotionally for me since I saw that movie. I resonated with a lot of it.

A lot of people have this idea in their head that once we are free of our traffickers and aren’t being trafficked we are magically healed and are okay, and if they don’t think that they sure don’t show survivors that they don’t. As the quote above says, “Escaping is never the end of the story.” It is in fact the continuation of it and the beginning of a new chapter hopefully one towards healing and thriving.

Coming back into society after being trafficked is hard. Even almost three years later it’s still hard, I’m still trying to find “normal” to find what a normal life looks like for me. I have my own space now and it’s so odd. I was cleaning yesterday and I was actually thinking that I was proud to be able to clean my own place and how it was nice not to be afraid of getting hit because I did it wrong, which was ironic because there were other times my trafficker didn’t care, especially with sheets….he loved other men’s “liquids” on them…. Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked sorry. It’s nice to wake up and not be raped first thing in the morning or to sleep at night and not wake up to someone in you. It’s really nice to not be raped and sold repeatedly every day…. To not have someone degrade you with words and actions. I’ve actually been able to get really good sleep in my new space (good for me anyway). I still have safety concerns obviously, but I protect my place and feel safe for the most part.

There are times people are talking about just everyday things and I don’t know how to respond just because my experience is so different than theirs. When you first get out and come back into society, you don’t know how to act, what to do, what you need. You don’t know what you don’t know. I’ve had to ask simple questions like why is there a deposit to turn on water, I’ve never done that or what does this mean on the electric bill? How do I use this washer? Why separate lights and darks? Is this considered light or dark? How do I cook this? Can you show me how to cook?

We mostly lived in motels, so we used those quarter washers and dryers when he decided we actually needed laundry done. Did I mention privacy? It’s nice to have your own space one where you don’t have to keep the bathroom door open so he can make sure you aren’t trying to escape through a window or just so he can watch or come in and have his “fun” while your trying to use the restroom. Showers! Showers are the best! I can actually get clean, well I’m not sure if I’ll ever be clean of them, but surface clean at least.

With healing you find new pain. It’s hard when you are gone for a decade and you come back and it feels like peoples lives went on with out you, like you being gone didn’t matter. It’s hard when people you love don’t check on you. I know they are all busy but they weren’t abducted and trafficked for ten years, you’d think they’d check on you… but maybe that’s just me, maybe they aren’t because they don’t want to remind you of what you’ve been through or they don’t know what to say who knows? I know they love me, but sometimes I wish it were different. I’m a very needs affirmation type person so, words are important to me.

So this movie really touched me on a lot of levels, some I haven’t mentioned here, and it’s been a bit hard processing it. I start a session of EMDR on Tuesday and I’m nervous. I guess that’s all for now.

Escaping is not the end it’s just the beginning.

Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!

I wrote a poem…

This is the Story

Poem

This is the story of a girl,

Abducted,

Raped

Sold

Trafficked,

This is the story of a girl

Raped for three days straight,

Stop, it hurts,

There’s no mercy for her.

This is the story of a girl

Bought and raped by men to numerous to count

One after the other,

Again and again.

This is the story of a girl whose mind made her forget

But why this part and not the rest?

The rest that she’d consider pure torturous evil??

This is the story of a girl

Beaten and whipped,

Glad she still has fingertips.

This is the story of a girl

Who was “property of…”

This is the story of a girl

Who answered to her “master”

This is the story of a girl

Who was a “sex slave”

This is the story of a woman,

Who survived horrendous evil,

Crimes unimaginable to most,

This is the story of a woman

Who struggles with her memories

This is the story of a woman

Who refused to let her spirit break

This is the story of a woman

Whose finally free after years of slavey

This is the story of a woman

Who will bend but never break.

This is the story of a woman

Who will never let them win.

——————————————————-

Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!

July 4th

I bought myself a cake to celebrate today! (My therapists idea, but I’d already thought about it). Today I’m celebrating two years free from my trafficker! After ten years of being trafficked, I’m two years free today! I’ve come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. My therapist is proud of me, she said a lot of trafficking survivors don’t deal with the things I have after they get out with sobriety, but I’ve stayed sober, I’m holding down a job, I have a few friends. So, today I’m celebrating all of that. I’m celebrating my freedom.

However, as I celebrate my freedom, I think of all those that are still trafficked. I think of all those people that still are not free in a country that prides itself on freedom. LESS than 1% of human trafficking victims are ever rescued. LESS than 1% of human trafficking victims are free. They are the reason I stay sober, and continue to heal. They are the reason I speak out against trafficking and tell my story. That is me fighting for them. I’m a survivor of human trafficking and I’ve seen hell face to face, but I’ll never let my past define me. Today I celebrate my freedom, and I think of all those still not free.

Image credit: http://crossroadswaunakee.org/event/celebrating-freedom/

Never let them Win! Don’t forget to Shine!

Lost

I was lost, gone for a decade.

Abducted, is the word they say,

Trafficked, beaten, urinated in,

I was gone for a decade

I didn’t know if I’d live to see another day,

Did it bother you? Did you even care?

I’m back now, and it doesn’t seem to have effected you at all.

Did you even care I was missing?

I need to know how you felt, because it feels like I mean nothing.

I need to know,

Did you care when I was gone?

I’m feeling worthless and uncared for.

I’m feeling unloved and less than.

I need to know, did you even care?

Did it effect you at all?

I’m feeling so lost and lonely.

I can’t bare these memories…. Haunting me.

I’m feeling so lost.

Yet I’m holding on, because I’ll never let them win. I can’t let them win.

*just something I wrote, really in my feelings today.*

Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!

Just a little bit

Image found on Facebook

Hello!

It’s been a little bit since I wrote anything. Things have been hectic with work and life. This past week has been rough. My dog got ran over. That really hurts, we’ve had her since she was a puppy. I’d show you a picture but my trafficker has seen her and it’s a safety issue to do so. I miss her, a lot.

Yesterday, I did a hard thing. I went to my drs appointment and had my “womanly check up” a nurse lady held my hand, I squeezed it really hard, I hope it didn’t hurt her hand. It was so triggering. The part that triggered me the most was actually a loud click type noise and the worst part is I’m not exactly sure why, although I have an idea. The entire thing was triggering, but I noticed that part was a bit more so. But, I got through it. I ended up at my best friends house after, but I got through it. By the end of the day I even cracked a joke or two, go me! 😊

I also had therapy before my Drs appointment so it was just a long day mentally. In therapy we are working on mindfulness to increase the size of my hippocampus I believe is what she called it, because apparently during trauma that part shrinks. My therapist complimented me on how well I’m doing, she said a lot of people wouldn’t be able to function the way I do. What she doesn’t know is being strong is the only way I know how to survive, it’s a survival tactic. It’s all I know. Plus, my mom raised a warrior, a strong warrior if I do say so myself. I got my bravery and my strength from her. My therapist also reminded me that these are my sessions and I don’t have to answer questions if I don’t want to which is good, I needed to be reminded of that. I’m not used to not having to answer questions when asked, I’m not used to having control of anything, so I’m trying to learn that.

So, I also went to my first zoom meeting for my classes this week. I was excited about that. It was nice to see and hear other survivors. I learned a lot and it was a really good thing. I think that’s all for now, thank you for reading and coming on this journey with me, it really does mean a lot.

Always look for the light! Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win!

~Tiffany

This weekend

Good morning!

This weekend was a little rough, but it worked itself out in the end. Friday and Saturday I couldn’t get a memory out of my head.

*May trigger*

One of the guys my trafficker had me be with when he (instead of using trafficking world language I’m going to try to use polite society language) entered me? He asked me how many times I’d been raped. I just looked at him, how in the world am I supposed to know? His response was so many you don’t even know? And he continued what he was doing.

So, me being me, I played with some math assuming it was just one time per day that is 3,650 times…. It was rarely just one time per day, and in this part I’m speaking solely of my trafficker, not the others…. Those happened when he wanted drugs, which sometimes he’d take a break from for a little… (the longest was two years I was lucky then) until he changed his mind and went on a binge… I was raped continuously for three days then) anyway, I’m trailing off sorry…. So, It was usually on average about three… which makes it over 10,000 if we say two it’s over 7,000. (Statistically speaking the average for human trafficking survivors is 7 times a day, so I guess in that way I’m lucky??). No matter which one you use it’s a lot, and I was lucky if it was only once or twice…. My best friend said numbers don’t matter in my case, but I can’t seem to get them out of my head. (My best friend made a clarification, I knew what she meant but maybe I didn’t explain it well here, she doesn’t want me to focus on numbers because they will drive me crazy and not because they don’t matter) I have therapy today so this should be hopefully helpful.

Sunday was a good day though! I got sunflowers! (They are my favorite because they always look towards the sun/light!) I also got a card, went to the bookstore and got a few books that were on sale. I found a frame for a picture my friend sent me! Then when we got back we had a nice dinner of fish and fried rice, then we all went out for ice cream! It was a really nice day!!

The picture at the top is of the sunflowers I got and this one is the frame I got! Have a beautiful day! How was your weekend?

Always look for the light!

Don’t forget to shine!

Never let them win!

~Tiffany

Beauty From Ashes

Heavy

So the word of the day yesterday was heavy. My therapist asked my to describe how my trauma felt in my body and I said heavy. It’s heavy.

It’s so very heavy. 10 years, a decade of my life, I was trafficked for. Not to mention the abuse in my childhood, (I was raped by a friend when I was ten) that’s fun. (Sarcasm). Yesterday’s session was hard. We slightly went over a few things. Her homework for me is to do a body scan three times a day. Wish me luck!

I’m tired I think I might go back to sleep now. Good night.

Never let them win!

Don’t forget to Shine!

Rescheduled

Hello,

I was supposed to have therapy yesterday, but she had to reschedule for Thursday. Every time I’ve ever had a therapist need to reschedule it always seems to be a day when I really needed to talk to them. I don’t know why that is, it just seems to be that way.

One thing I wanted to talk to her about was about a video that is somewhere on a p*rn site of me being raped in my sleep. (I know about it because my trafficker showed it to me after). I feel like I’m still being violated because of it and that’s not fair. A friend offered to find it for me, but part of me is embarrassed and does want her to see it if she finds it. It’s probably so buried in other stuff by now she might not be-able to, but honestly I’m ashamed of it. I’m not sure how to explain it. The other part of me wants to just go back to pretending I don’t give a f*ck, but apparently it’s still bothering me because I’m still thinking about it….

There’s a book I read recently called What unbreakable Looks Like, it’s a fiction book based off of an actual survivors story about a girl who gets trafficked. I felt the main character on so many levels it’s not funny. In the book the main character, when she’s being trafficked she’s known as poppy, her trafficker doesn’t use her actual name. There were several things in this book that had me agreeing with it from this to the emotions the girl felt to things she experienced. My trafficker never called me by my first name, except for a little while, he’d call me another name, that I won’t say here but that kinda hit me a bit. One of the things my trafficker said he wanted was to break my spirit, I think that was one way of doing it. He tried to break my spirit, and he almost got close…. I’ve seen things I hope no one ever does. He got really close, but my spirit doesn’t break that easily. I’m starting to get lost in my thoughts now, sorry if this post just kind of goes from one thing to the next. My point was I wish I could have seen my therapist yesterday, but I guess I will have to wait a few more days.

On the bright side to cheer me up I found a surprise in the mail. It was one of those send-a-friend stuffed animals! It was a bunny with a note that said “You are amazing! You are strong! You will thrive and inspire others!!” I cried a lot when I got that, I was having a really bad day and that was exactly what I needed. Even on the really bad days don’t forget to look for the light, I know it may be hard to see, but I promise it’s there even if it’s only a little.

Always look for the light, even on the darkest days. It’s always darkest before the dawn (not sure who said that line).

Don’t forget to Shine! Never let them win!!

~T

I’m tired

I’m tired. This week has been long and I feel like I’ve just been going and going with no time to stop and rest. My thoughts feel jumbled like I can’t think. I’ve noticed I’ve been a bit depressed, a symptom of CPTSD. I don’t want to talk about stuff before I’m ready, but things keep popping in my head, intrusive thoughts is another CPTSD things, yay (sarcasm). I wish someone understood, my best friend does but I’m not sure what she really does and what she doesn’t I know she understands a lot if not all of it, but I don’t see her much though we talk most days. She has a lot going on so I don’t want to burden her, even though I know she’ll tell me I’m not, and yes she subscribes to my blog so she’ll probably see this and say something to me lol, but anyway now I’m rambling.

My point is trauma stinks. This depression I’m feeling stinks. A lot of the things come back to me at night sometimes. I remember my trafficker wanting his way or him selling me to others… things I was forced to say and do. Last night was pretty bad, but I made it through.

Surviving from trafficking is hard. It’s not just getting free it’s healing from all that trauma after and trying to live a normal life. I don’t think anyone really recognizes how difficult that is unless they’ve had to do it themselves. It’s so hard! To act like everything is okay when you are war with your memories and trying to feel safe and trying to be okay. It’s hard!! I wish people knew how hard it is. There’s days I don’t want to get out of bed. There’s days everything weighs on me so much I just want to break, but I can’t. I keep going everyday (and some days that looks different some days it’s just resting) for myself, for my children, and for all those still being trafficked and for those that can’t, because I can’t let them win. I refuse to let them win.

I absolutely love comments (they make me feel like I’m not just talking to myself lol and I promise to respond asap) if you want to comment or even just a like it would be much appreciated. Thank you so much for reading and staying with me through this.

Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win!