It’s been awhile….

Hello everyone,

I know I haven’t written in a little bit, sorry. Things have been hectic. I just got out of quarantine from Covid. That was really triggering because I had to stay in the basement away from the rest of my family and I couldn’t leave. I’m still really tired, but glad I’m out of quarantine.

I know a lot of people don’t know how to talk to those that have been hurt by any sort of abuse and maybe they don’t want to bring up the past. However, trust me the survivors haven’t forgotten about it, if you ask them if they want to talk about it and they say no that’s fine, but at least you asked. You showed that you cared.

When I finally escaped my trafficker after ten years, no one in my family asked how I was or asked if I wanted to talk about it. I had to reach out to them! They didn’t reach out to me except maybe a few. I’m sure they had their reasons, but it made it seem like they didn’t care that I was gone, that I don’t matter. I still feel this way and it’s been almost three years since my escape. It’s hard to think no one cares, I know they do, but my depression and cptsd tend to make me think otherwise, plus it’s something my trafficker would tell me all the time. No one’s looking for you, no one cares about you. No one misses you. I could make you disappear and no one would know or care. So it’s hard, I know communication is a two way street, but I was the one that was abducted and trafficked, I was the one gone for ten years.

I’ve said this before but I think it needs saying again, once you get out of any abusive situation that isn’t the end, it’s just the beginning. Healing is the hardest part because you have to face everything you’ve been through instead of just being in survival mode and shutting yourself down to get through.

One of the hardest things for me, is when the enormity of everything I’ve been through hits me. I’m a survivor of human trafficking, less than one percent of those trafficked get out of their situation, I’m extremely lucky to be alive…. I should be dead. All the people I’ve been raped by and sold to…. It’s a lot. All the abuse…. The whippings, the beatings, the mental and emotional abuse, just everything, it’s a lot.

If you know anyone whose been abused, ask them if they want to talk about it, tell them you’re there if they want to and keep reminding them, keep supporting them, even if it seems like they are okay. They need it.

Thank you for reading. Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!

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Odd things I get excited about after surviving extreme trauma

So these are some things that make me excited after surviving extreme trauma like trafficking.

1. Bruises and scratches and such. ( I got a bruise from the first time they tried to take blood before surgery, I took a picture and sent it to my best friend saying look! At first she didn’t get it she said those are common so I had to tell her no, that’s not it, it’s a bruise that wasn’t caused by my trafficker. It’s a pain that wasn’t caused by him.)

2. Clean sheets are the best!! (Because they aren’t filled with sweat and such from who knows who)

3. Showers!!! Showers!! I don’t need to say more.

4. New books!!

5. The smallest things that most people take for granted, clean underwear, food, clean clothes, toothbrush, yearly dental cleanings, a warm blanket!!

6. Blankets (they get their own because I love blankets, I almost died of hypothermia once so yeah… I don’t like the cold)

7. Lotions! And shampoo and conditioner!! And soaps! It’s so nice to smell good! (there was one customer I had to see who didn’t even use soap…. Luckily my trafficker said I didn’t have to see him anymore because he didn’t have soap…)

8. Pens and journals things to write in. (I wasn’t allowed to keep a journal for the longest time)

9. Being able to CLOSE THE DOOR to use the restroom (self explanatory)

10. Privacy and rest! (You don’t get either really when you’re trafficked and even if you do get rest, I wouldn’t call it rest).

That’s my short list of things, I know there’s more but I can’t think of them at the moment.

Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light! Never let them win!

I can do hard things….

Hello,

I had my surgery yesterday to remove precancerous cells…. I was told I looked at the male anesthesiologist like he was Freddy Kruger by my best friend who went with me for support. I was scared to be put to sleep, that they would do something I wasn’t aware of. I’ve been hurt by medical professionals before so it was hard to trust them, but it helped that one of the people on the team in the OR had my best friends first name, it was like a sign I was going to be okay. That was really hard to do.

I had my first appointment with my new therapist today, she has been there awhile and isn’t going anywhere so that’s good, maybe I’ll finally have a long term therapist. She seems really nice. I’m going to see her every other week instead of every week (mainly due to the cost and timing with work). I went over a lot with her… because she was asking about my life and such…. It was hard but I did it!

That’s all for now, I’m going to be taking it easy and I recover from the surgery and read a book or two.

Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!

The in-between

Hello everyone,

In two days I have to get surgery, I’m nervous, they are going to put me to sleep. A lot of things were done to me in my sleep or when I was drugged, and things were done to me by a medical professional, so I’m nervous about that. I also found a therapist, finally, she seems nice in email format. I see her via Telehealth the day after surgery.

I’ve been having memories come up, that have been difficult to deal with. When I was trafficked it was living one rape to the next. There were times that were what I call “in between times” those were times I wasn’t being raped, like when I ate, or had to use the restroom. Sometimes I wasn’t allowed to do either until my trafficker had his way. Sometimes he had his way while I was using the restroom. I was raped thousands of times by how many different men, I don’t know. Sometimes it was one after the other after the other…I never thought it would end. Sometimes on certain days it was just my trafficker he’d rape me wait a little, depending on his situation, a few minutes, a few hours, if I was lucky that night, so only twice that day, if I was lucky. The in-between times, I prayed to whoever would listen that I wasn’t raped again, I was never heard. I was even being raped right before my escape. In the in between times there wasn’t exactly relief because I was being hit and yelled at for some infraction or other.

It’s hard dealing with memories, especially when your CPTSD keeps bringing them up and you don’t have a therapist, so it’s good I have an intake Thursday. Thank you for listening.

Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!

I wrote a poem…

This is the Story

Poem

This is the story of a girl,

Abducted,

Raped

Sold

Trafficked,

This is the story of a girl

Raped for three days straight,

Stop, it hurts,

There’s no mercy for her.

This is the story of a girl

Bought and raped by men to numerous to count

One after the other,

Again and again.

This is the story of a girl whose mind made her forget

But why this part and not the rest?

The rest that she’d consider pure torturous evil??

This is the story of a girl

Beaten and whipped,

Glad she still has fingertips.

This is the story of a girl

Who was “property of…”

This is the story of a girl

Who answered to her “master”

This is the story of a girl

Who was a “sex slave”

This is the story of a woman,

Who survived horrendous evil,

Crimes unimaginable to most,

This is the story of a woman

Who struggles with her memories

This is the story of a woman

Who refused to let her spirit break

This is the story of a woman

Whose finally free after years of slavey

This is the story of a woman

Who will bend but never break.

This is the story of a woman

Who will never let them win.

——————————————————-

Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!

September is Suicide Awareness’s Month

I have MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) one of the Symptoms is suicidal ideation.

I also have CPTSD (complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from being trafficked as an adult.

I wrote a small poem type thing. (Please note I have no intention of doing anything, this is a Poem from one of my darker days)

I’m sorry for being selfish,

I know you won’t understand,

But I deserved this,

The pain is to much….

I’m drowning…

All I do is take up space on the couch….

I’m sorry I was never good enough.

I never mattered anyway.

I’m sorry I’m not strong enough.

I’m sorry I couldn’t see the light.

I deserved this.

That was a poem type thing I wrote at my darkest. The following is also a poem I wrote to remind me there’s light in the darkness.

I’m clinging to a light that’s so hard to see. Do you even remember me?

It’s so hard to see through the darkness, but I know there’s someone that cares.

I’m fighting another day… I’ll fight another day, just to see that smile on your face.

I’ll fight another day so you know you aren’t alone.

I’ll fight another day so someone else knows there’s hope.

I’ll fight another day, because I’ll never let them win.

I’ll fight another day so my mom won’t loose me again.

I’ll be strong because I know there’s times when my sister and best friend need me, we still have laughs, books, and more to share.

I’ll fight another day for my family, so I’m not gone again.

I’ll fight another day because I’m not the monster, they are.

I’ll fight another day to show others there’s hope, there’s a light, even if it’s dim.

September is Suicide Awareness’s month! If you need help please reach out to friends or loved ones there’s a new mental health crisis line in the United States you can call or text 988 to speak to a trained mental health counselor. Please reach out, your story isn’t over yet. ;

Never Let them Win! Always look for the light! Don’t forget to shine!!

Unsure??

I’m not sure what to title this sorry… my old therapist said to write as an outlet until I get a new therapist so, I guess that’s what I’ll have to do because I don’t exactly have anyone I can talk to right now as they have their own stuff going on (like big major major stuff and thats all I’m saying on that for their privacy) and I COMPLETELY understand that. (I’m saying this in case they read it because I know they subscribe.)

These weeks without therapy I’ve been trying to hold it together, I’ve been as okay as I could be which sometimes was just being alive. I’m extremely worried about people I love. I have a memory I really need to process with someone but I have to wait until the place I’m on the waitlist for call’s because apparently I stink at calling other places. Daylight by shinedown is my new anthem song at the moment.

The new medicine my psychiatrist has me on is making me less physically tired but I think I’ve just been powering through and now the mental exhaustion is catching up with me. I’m excited for next month though! I did go to the zoo last weekend that was fun! I also baked cookies! September has been hard on everyone and I’m hoping for a better rest of the month and a wonderful October!!Okay, thanks for reading.

Don’t forget to shine!

Never let them win! Always look for the light!

It’s been a minute….

Hello everyone

I know it’s been a minute since I wrote, there’s been a lot going on. I no longer have a therapist (the organization she was with has a huge waitlist so those the know they need to refer out they told to find a new therapist. My therapist thought she could make it so we would have until the end of this month, but she was wrong so now I have no therapist.) I’m on a waitlist with another organization, but it’s six weeks out. I’m going to try to try a few places tomorrow and see how that goes.

I did get a psychiatrist though. He’s upping my medication for depression (the medication he’s having me take also helps with anxiety and CPTSD symptoms). He was nice which was good, he said “oh my god” a lot though. Kinda like that meme that says “I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say wow that much in the first session.” I’m waiting for a PA (prior authorization) to go through on the new dosage though.

This week without a therapist has been rough. I did have a wonderful time at a concert though, it was AWESOME, although finding the car was a bit of an issue. The weekend was good, but tiring. Other than the weekend it’s been hard though. My therapist (now my not therapist) thinks writing might help, so here I am, writing.

My depression has been bad lately. The flashbacks are not good, they’ve been horrible to put it lightly. I think I had a repressed memory come up and I couldn’t even share it with my therapist because it was our last session and dealing with major trauma was not okay in our last session apparently. I still need to process it and I want to talk to someone about it but everyone I know is going through major stuff right now. I’d really like it if someone told me I matter, that I’m worth more than drugs (that’s what I was sold for, and I hate them), that I’m loved. This depressive episode has been a minute and I wish it’d go away.

On the bright side I read a book my best friend said would trigger me and I should never read and I did okay with it because I read it despite her telling me not to (yes she did this because she knows I’m hard headed and don’t want to not be-able to read a book due to my trauma and she was trying to show me how strong I am).

I guess that’s a little update, there’s more, but that’s all for now.

Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!

Thinking

Hello everyone,

I read a book recently called Dear Child by Romy Hausmann it tells the story of a girl that is abducted. I read it and I was proud of myself that I didn’t get terribly triggered by it, though I understand the girl and her experiences way to much. A lot of it hit home. If you like thriller type books, I’d recommend it.

“A crime of abduction is considered to be when a person has been taken away from his or her original location by persuading him or her, by some act of fraud or with a forceful way that may include violence.”- This quote was from hg.org.

When I was trafficked I was abducted, more than once, taken across state lines. I didn’t call it that at the time, I didn’t call it anything. My therapist asked me what I called it then? I didn’t, I tried not to think about it, I didn’t process it. I just did the next thing that would keep me and those I loved safe. It was moment to moment what keeps everyone safe and alive.

Since I didn’t process it at the time, my brain has been an interesting place the last few nights. I keep having the word abducted go through my head, saying it slowly or spelling it…. I might try to write a poem later maybe that will help me process it better.

I’ve been through a lot, I’ve survived a lot. I’m never going to let what happened define me, but I will do my best to use it to help others.

Thank you for reading,

Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!

I’m a bit proud of me.

Hello everyone!

So, I went on vacation this past week. I’m proud of myself a little, why? I got through some really triggering things. I stayed in a hotel for one. For two, someone was playing and kept knocking on the door to my room. (It was a child playing with another child fyi). This is a huge trigger for me, I had to keep reminding myself that I was safe and it wasn’t some guy knocking on the door. I got through it though.

People think once you are out and safe that that’s it. You should just be-able to go on and be happy, (at least in my experience or maybe people don’t think that but that’s how they come off, except a select few, my best friend being one of them), but that’s not true. It’s everyday. It’s healing everyday. It’s that knock on the door you have to remind yourself isn’t a buyer. It’s buying a ton more underclothes than you reasonably need so you always have clean underclothes that don’t have a strangers liquids in them. It’s being meticulous about clean sheets because you remember being raped for days on end (I would like to point out that when I word it this way I mean raped continuously for days without stopping except for maybe a drink, they could do this because they were under the influence, in case you were wondering. I was raped every day for ten years but when I say continuously I mean there was no break between) and the sheets not being clean and how disgusting it felt. It’s needing a ton of extra validation that you matter and are loved and what you went through matters and is valid, sometimes you get it, sometimes you don’t, so you have to try to remind yourself.

The trafficking world isn’t pretty. It’s dark and evil. It’s hell on earth. Despite it, I’m still here, still fighting.. still trying.

Okay, sorry, that went to other places. My point being I’m proud that I worked through a trigger a bit, and I slept in a hotel and was okay. I had a good vacation, it was actually a lot of fun! I ate way to much food and had a spectacular view!

Thank you for reading,

Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light