Body memories…

Hello everyone,

On my way home yesterday I had a body memory… it’s like a flashback for your body…. An article I read stated, “Body memories are somatic memories expressing themselves through physiological changes in the body. During these flashbacks, your body feels what you felt during an abusive episode.” (Article found here). I don’t get them too terribly much, but when I do they are really bad. It took a lot to get to a state where I could make it home safely and then I was still reeling from it…. I’m still not completely okay. It was like I was being trafficked again… I could feel them…. It was bad.

My best friend listened and helped me through, but it was still hard, as evidenced by me writing this post at the wee hours of the morning before the sun. I just wish I didn’t have flashbacks like that, apparently it’s also most common with CPTSD, ☹️.

I’m going to try to sleep now… wish me luck! Thank you for reading.

Don’t let the hard days win! Always look for the light! Don’t forget to Shine! Never let them win!

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Support group…..

Hello everyone,

So, I tried a support group tonight because my therapist thinks I need more support, which I would agree with. It’s not a human trafficking survivor support group it’s a DV survivor support group. I figured I’d try it and see. It was only my first one, but I felt out of place already.

Technically, you could call what I went through Domestic Violence as well, but it was trafficking through and through, it’s different than domestic violence, the experience itself is different, it’s constant and unrelenting. It was only my first session so I’ll try again next week, maybe I’ll connect more then? I wish there was a group of trafficking survivors who truly understood in my area, yes I’ve looked. I talked a bit to one lady but she never got back to me. All my survivor friends are in other places, except one, and I don’t want to burden her too much.

I just wish I didn’t feel so out of place in the group. The experience of being trafficked is one entirely it’s own. It’s similar in some ways but drastically different in others…. I just want someone to truly understand. I know everyone’s experience is different, but I just feel alone.

Thank you for reading, Always look for the light! Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win!

It’s been a minute….

Hello everyone

I know it’s been a minute since I wrote, there’s been a lot going on. I no longer have a therapist (the organization she was with has a huge waitlist so those the know they need to refer out they told to find a new therapist. My therapist thought she could make it so we would have until the end of this month, but she was wrong so now I have no therapist.) I’m on a waitlist with another organization, but it’s six weeks out. I’m going to try to try a few places tomorrow and see how that goes.

I did get a psychiatrist though. He’s upping my medication for depression (the medication he’s having me take also helps with anxiety and CPTSD symptoms). He was nice which was good, he said “oh my god” a lot though. Kinda like that meme that says “I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say wow that much in the first session.” I’m waiting for a PA (prior authorization) to go through on the new dosage though.

This week without a therapist has been rough. I did have a wonderful time at a concert though, it was AWESOME, although finding the car was a bit of an issue. The weekend was good, but tiring. Other than the weekend it’s been hard though. My therapist (now my not therapist) thinks writing might help, so here I am, writing.

My depression has been bad lately. The flashbacks are not good, they’ve been horrible to put it lightly. I think I had a repressed memory come up and I couldn’t even share it with my therapist because it was our last session and dealing with major trauma was not okay in our last session apparently. I still need to process it and I want to talk to someone about it but everyone I know is going through major stuff right now. I’d really like it if someone told me I matter, that I’m worth more than drugs (that’s what I was sold for, and I hate them), that I’m loved. This depressive episode has been a minute and I wish it’d go away.

On the bright side I read a book my best friend said would trigger me and I should never read and I did okay with it because I read it despite her telling me not to (yes she did this because she knows I’m hard headed and don’t want to not be-able to read a book due to my trauma and she was trying to show me how strong I am).

I guess that’s a little update, there’s more, but that’s all for now.

Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!

Thinking

Hello everyone,

I read a book recently called Dear Child by Romy Hausmann it tells the story of a girl that is abducted. I read it and I was proud of myself that I didn’t get terribly triggered by it, though I understand the girl and her experiences way to much. A lot of it hit home. If you like thriller type books, I’d recommend it.

“A crime of abduction is considered to be when a person has been taken away from his or her original location by persuading him or her, by some act of fraud or with a forceful way that may include violence.”- This quote was from hg.org.

When I was trafficked I was abducted, more than once, taken across state lines. I didn’t call it that at the time, I didn’t call it anything. My therapist asked me what I called it then? I didn’t, I tried not to think about it, I didn’t process it. I just did the next thing that would keep me and those I loved safe. It was moment to moment what keeps everyone safe and alive.

Since I didn’t process it at the time, my brain has been an interesting place the last few nights. I keep having the word abducted go through my head, saying it slowly or spelling it…. I might try to write a poem later maybe that will help me process it better.

I’ve been through a lot, I’ve survived a lot. I’m never going to let what happened define me, but I will do my best to use it to help others.

Thank you for reading,

Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!

Hello again!

Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven’t posted in a bit. Things have been really busy. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs the past few weeks.

My therapist who I really like thinks it would be beneficial for me to find another therapist who has more training and is able to deal with more complex trauma because she’s only trained in one area and I have extensive complex trauma. I get she’s trying to help me the best she can, but I really like my therapist.

My depression hasn’t been so good lately even though I’m on medication. My therapist is helping me find a psychiatrist to better assess any needs I might have with my mental health, so that’s fun. (I’m being sarcastic). my CPTSD is hard to deal with, but I’m growing and still fighting everyday because I’ll never let them win.

On the bright side, I had the best weekend ever! My best friend had me over for my birthday! I stayed the night and we watched the Harry Potter series and went to the bookstore where she got me the two books I didn’t have. It was great!!

Also!!! I have amazing news! That I’m so excited about!!!! A member of an anti trafficking coalition found my blog and has asked me to be part of an education committee to stop human trafficking!!! This has been my dream to be-able to help others and bring awareness to hopefully help people not get in it or stop it before it starts. I’d also like to be able to do something that helps survivors after they get out, because we need help. It’s not just escaping, it’s everything after.

That’s just a quick update, I may post on some other things later. Thank you so much for reading and going on this journey with me, it means a lot.

Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!

July 4th

I bought myself a cake to celebrate today! (My therapists idea, but I’d already thought about it). Today I’m celebrating two years free from my trafficker! After ten years of being trafficked, I’m two years free today! I’ve come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. My therapist is proud of me, she said a lot of trafficking survivors don’t deal with the things I have after they get out with sobriety, but I’ve stayed sober, I’m holding down a job, I have a few friends. So, today I’m celebrating all of that. I’m celebrating my freedom.

However, as I celebrate my freedom, I think of all those that are still trafficked. I think of all those people that still are not free in a country that prides itself on freedom. LESS than 1% of human trafficking victims are ever rescued. LESS than 1% of human trafficking victims are free. They are the reason I stay sober, and continue to heal. They are the reason I speak out against trafficking and tell my story. That is me fighting for them. I’m a survivor of human trafficking and I’ve seen hell face to face, but I’ll never let my past define me. Today I celebrate my freedom, and I think of all those still not free.

Image credit: http://crossroadswaunakee.org/event/celebrating-freedom/

Never let them Win! Don’t forget to Shine!

Scheduling

Hello everyone!,

I hope you are all doing okay, and thank you for coming on this journey with me. So, Friday was stressful to say the least. I met with my therapist and we talked about some things. We discussed how I didn’t realize I was abducted. My therapist asked what did you call it then? I didn’t call it anything up to that point…. Going with someone because they told me to and I was scared not to because of what they said they’d do? It honestly didn’t process up until this point. I feel like this adds to everything else and that’s hard to process too.

I haven’t been in a good headspace the past few days, I really just want to go to my best friends and play a game or something just hang out but I’m told apparently I do that to much (by others not my best friend). So, I’m here not doing that, stuck with my thoughts and all these memories.

I don’t have therapy this upcoming week due to scheduling conflicts. My therapist said it’d be good to see how I do for a week without therapy. I sent her an email this morning that said so far not good, not doing good and it’s only Sunday.

I’m going to go see if anyone here wants to play a game of something or other we shall see, but I think they might all be preoccupied. The good news is I have a second interview and I started my second course at Elevate Academy! It’s interesting and I’m able to go the zoom meeting for it this Monday so that will be good! I’m really enjoying these classes and learning a lot! Maybe I’ll see if I can find a good book to read. Thank you for reading.

Don’t forget to Shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!

Lost

I was lost, gone for a decade.

Abducted, is the word they say,

Trafficked, beaten, urinated in,

I was gone for a decade

I didn’t know if I’d live to see another day,

Did it bother you? Did you even care?

I’m back now, and it doesn’t seem to have effected you at all.

Did you even care I was missing?

I need to know how you felt, because it feels like I mean nothing.

I need to know,

Did you care when I was gone?

I’m feeling worthless and uncared for.

I’m feeling unloved and less than.

I need to know, did you even care?

Did it effect you at all?

I’m feeling so lost and lonely.

I can’t bare these memories…. Haunting me.

I’m feeling so lost.

Yet I’m holding on, because I’ll never let them win. I can’t let them win.

*just something I wrote, really in my feelings today.*

Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!

There’s no God here (a poem)

There’s no God here

Not in this hell…

There’s no God down here

Where the devil dwells

Don’t talk to me about Jesus when you just paid for me

There’s no God here where people are sold and left in misery

There’s no God down here

You said I’ll be saved you said my trafficker would be too.

Don’t you know there’s no God down here?

My trafficker was God he held life and death in His hands…,

There’s no God down here where the devil dwells.

Where you’re raped every day and don’t know if you’ll live to see tomorrow

When you’re forced to do things you’d never do

There’s no God down here, but thanks for the advice

When you do nothing as you see me raped…

There’s no God down here, welcome to hell.

© Beauty From Ashes 2022

*short poem inspired by the man who bought me for drugs to talk about Jesus and then looked on and left as my trafficker raped me*

Never let them win!

Always look for the light!

Don’t forget to shine!

Just a little bit

Image found on Facebook

Hello!

It’s been a little bit since I wrote anything. Things have been hectic with work and life. This past week has been rough. My dog got ran over. That really hurts, we’ve had her since she was a puppy. I’d show you a picture but my trafficker has seen her and it’s a safety issue to do so. I miss her, a lot.

Yesterday, I did a hard thing. I went to my drs appointment and had my “womanly check up” a nurse lady held my hand, I squeezed it really hard, I hope it didn’t hurt her hand. It was so triggering. The part that triggered me the most was actually a loud click type noise and the worst part is I’m not exactly sure why, although I have an idea. The entire thing was triggering, but I noticed that part was a bit more so. But, I got through it. I ended up at my best friends house after, but I got through it. By the end of the day I even cracked a joke or two, go me! 😊

I also had therapy before my Drs appointment so it was just a long day mentally. In therapy we are working on mindfulness to increase the size of my hippocampus I believe is what she called it, because apparently during trauma that part shrinks. My therapist complimented me on how well I’m doing, she said a lot of people wouldn’t be able to function the way I do. What she doesn’t know is being strong is the only way I know how to survive, it’s a survival tactic. It’s all I know. Plus, my mom raised a warrior, a strong warrior if I do say so myself. I got my bravery and my strength from her. My therapist also reminded me that these are my sessions and I don’t have to answer questions if I don’t want to which is good, I needed to be reminded of that. I’m not used to not having to answer questions when asked, I’m not used to having control of anything, so I’m trying to learn that.

So, I also went to my first zoom meeting for my classes this week. I was excited about that. It was nice to see and hear other survivors. I learned a lot and it was a really good thing. I think that’s all for now, thank you for reading and coming on this journey with me, it really does mean a lot.

Always look for the light! Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win!

~Tiffany