I just feel like writing today I’m not exactly sure what about so I guess we shall see.
Things are actually going well, but I feel kind of alone I guess yet at the same time I need quiet. I watched a documentary the other day called “Surviving Sex trafficking” it was really good. A lot of the things hit home, but there was a lot that was different in my experience too. I just feel kind of alone and I want to talk about it without being told I’m stuck in the past or something of the like. I mean it hasn’t even been three years….
I’m starting EMDR next month, we’ve done the prep work so now we are actually going to do the part with the memories. That will be interesting, something I’ve noticed my therapist saying is “I’m sure you don’t want to talk about it.” But is it that I don’t want to talk about it or you don’t want to hear about it? Maybe I do want to talk about it, some parts no I definitely don’t, but others, what if I need to? So I’m thinking maybe doing the EMDR and then taking time after to talk about it? I think she mentioned something like that.
The documentary I watched was really good. I’d recommend it. I guess, right now my heart is a little heavy and I’m tired. Healing is hard, I don’t know if it ever ends, but I’ll continue to heal everyday and hopefully be-able to help someone else.
Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light! Never let them win!
It’s been awhile sorry. Life has been VERY busy!! In good ways and not so good ways. I have my own space now, it took almost three years but it’s mine and I love it!! I’m really excited it’s not much but it’s mine and it’s beautiful!
I did a small intro to EMDR my last therapy session it was different. We haven’t gotten to far into it yet, so we shall see.
*trigger warning*
This time of year is really hard for me. It’s around this time that I first met my trafficker and he raped me. The first thing he did and the last thing he did was rape me. I’ve never had a consensual sexual relationship because according to him, “women aren’t allowed to say no.” Yet at the same time he preached women’s liberation talk about a mind f*ck! Even though everyday is an anniversary of a rape this time of year is especially hard, I think because it was the time of the first one. No one ever talked to me about consent so I figured that was how it was supposed to happen. My trafficker was significantly older than I was by 15+ years. The first time he had me lay on his bed naked. He came over to me already ready, I shook my head no, i wasn’t ready, I was scared. He pried my legs apart and had his way, I told him it hurt a few times when I realized it wasn’t going to make him stop I gritted my teeth through the pain. It hurt so much, but me in my naïveté thought maybe that was how it was supposed to happen. You see by the time I first saw him he’d already threatened my life if I didn’t listen to him, so I was already scared, but him and the organization that introduced me to him had told me I could help people and I’ve always wanted to help people…..that’s how they got me in saying I could help people then there were threats so I was to scared to leave. Anyway, It’s just really hard right now…
However, on the bright side everything else is going well and after putting all my books up I still have an entire shelf to fill!
Thank you for reading. Always look for the light! Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine!
On my way home yesterday I had a body memory… it’s like a flashback for your body…. An article I read stated, “Body memories are somatic memories expressing themselves through physiological changes in the body. During these flashbacks, your body feels what you felt during an abusive episode.” (Article found here). I don’t get them too terribly much, but when I do they are really bad. It took a lot to get to a state where I could make it home safely and then I was still reeling from it…. I’m still not completely okay. It was like I was being trafficked again… I could feel them…. It was bad.
My best friend listened and helped me through, but it was still hard, as evidenced by me writing this post at the wee hours of the morning before the sun. I just wish I didn’t have flashbacks like that, apparently it’s also most common with CPTSD, ☹️.
I’m going to try to sleep now… wish me luck! Thank you for reading.
Don’t let the hard days win! Always look for the light! Don’t forget to Shine! Never let them win!
Today has been a bit of a day for me. A fellow survivor friend of mine, one of the first I talked to that helped me find resources in my area passed away recently and lost her battle with ALS. This is very hard for me, I’m still processing the news. She would always send me things of encouragement and she’d notice when I got quiet, often before those closest to me. She’d talk me through triggers and I’d help her with hers. She’d gave me a Wonder Woman keychain to remind me of my strength. Her heart was really big. She was a good friend and will be missed. I love you Wendy.
My therapist wants me to start EMDR, I’m nervous. I’m not sure what to think. She stated something in therapy last week that hit really hard. We were talking about choices and how I didn’t get any. We also discussed how I’m still trying to figure out what normal is and what it isn’t. Figuring out what a “normal” life, one without any abuse, is is harder than you would think after that much trauma. I’m worried about EMDR because it’s going to be emotional… I can talk about my trauma but the emotions behind it, that’s going to be hard to deal with. Even still it’s sometimes hard to talk about. Thank you for listening.
Always look for the light! Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine!
This post today was inspired by another post I read, I’m not sure if they’d want me to link to that post or not, but I’m sure after reading this they will know who they are.
The post I read talks about how it’s hard to talk about abuse, especially sexual abuse. It is, it is hard. It hurts, but I believe that if we don’t speak our truth, let the pain escape somehow, we are giving our abusers power over us still, we are letting them win. I’m not saying you have to go public with everything, but to just let it out, write it in a diary, or talk to a therapist, create art from the pain, something, so we don’t suffer in silence.
I choose to write openly about my experiences with trafficking because I hope it can help someone else know they aren’t alone, that they can have a life after surviving horrendous horrific atrocities. That’s part of why I work so hard at my job, for those still being trafficked, because I’ll never let my trafficker and those I was sold to win.
So, I know it’s hard to talk about, take all the time you need. It’s your healing journey and no one else’s. If you’ve ever been hurt by any type of abuse and want someone to just listen, feel free to email me or message me on my Fb page Beauty from Ashes. I’ll listen. You are not alone!
Thank you for reading, that’s my thought for the day. Don’t forget to Shine! Always look for the light! Never let them win!
Sorry I haven’t posted much. I’ve been extremely busy with work. (I just got promoted, yay) but because I’ve been so busy I haven’t been able to get to therapy. (My therapist’s schedule is really full and sometimes doesn’t have a time that works and then when it does something comes up at work or I forgot I had another appointment scheduled with my psychiatrist 🤦🏼♀️).
I’m hoping I can see her on the thirtieth because if I can’t I’ll be put on a waitlist 😕. And my nightmares and ptsd have already been going up. Last night I had one nightmare to the next about being trafficked, it was hard.
My psychiatrist upped my medication to 50mg to hopefully help with the CPTSD and depression.
I’m really excited about my promotion, my coworkers even made me a sign that said I’m awesome and signed it, that meant a lot to me. I bought myself some nice smelling lotions as a congratulations to me for the promotion that I’ve been working close to two years for. Anyway that’s a quick update, thank you for reading.
Never let them win! Always look for the light! Don’t forget to shine!
So, it’s cold! Very cold, but at least this year I’m blessed with a roof over my head. I’m not walking outside for days with lightweight clothing on in a very northern, very cold state almost dying of hypothermia and/or being up for days without sleep. Those are the realities of human trafficking. Almost dying. It’s why I love blankets and anything that is soft and keeps me warm.
I’m very blessed this year with family and friends. I’m blessed to be-able to stay warm and keep those I love and care for warm. I’ve been in my head for a bit lately, the reality of being abducted and not knowing how to express the feelings that are going through me have been hard. I’ve been having nightmares of when I was trafficked, the holidays are always a little harder because when I was being trafficked part of me hoped because it was a holiday I wouldn’t be trafficked that day, but I was always wrong.
This season while everyone is celebrating I’m thinking of all those still trafficked and what they are experiencing. I’m also saying thank you for my blessings and that I’m no longer in that situation. I’m also asking that all those trafficked are one day free. That is my hope. That the world realizes the evils and works to correct and eradicate them. That we can all live blessed. I hope your holidays are filled with joy.
Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!
So, I had my second support group tonight. It was actually really good, I’m glad I gave it another shot. I may have talked to much….. but everyone seems really nice, and even if they can’t understand my exact experience they can empathize a bit.
I talked a bit about the Keith Reiner decision, how he tried to fight in court that his human trafficking conviction didn’t fit a “commercial sex act” and how what the judges decided basically just added to what I already knew and made it ten years of trafficking more real. Every time I try to say it wasn’t trafficking, I can’t, because it was. It’s just one more piece that makes it trafficking. It’s hard. But, I’m getting through it.
Thank you for reading. Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!
My therapist told me that I need to not be so compassionate towards others and acknowledge my pain that I’ve been through a lot. I was telling her that even being raped once is too much, that trauma is trauma, that numbers don’t matter. It all hurts. Which is true, it all hurts. She told me yes it does, but I need to acknowledge that I’ve been hurt, a lot, that being raped over 10,000 times is more traumatic than being raped once.
I’ve been on both sides of this equation. When I was ten, I was raped by a “friend”, a girl. I was told by a parent that “it wasn’t real rape”, that has stuck with me, I think it’s why I need so much validation and yet, I never seem to get it, even now. That was very hard on me as a child, to hear. I struggled with it only being one time, thinking I didn’t have a right to hurt, that others had it worse. Did that I mean I didn’t have a right to hurt? NO! Did that mean because it was “just once” that it didn’t traumatize me?? NO! Just because I was told it “wasn’t real rape”, did that make it true? NO! And yes, as a teenager about 14 to 15 I looked up the laws on rape, because if I ever say anything happened to me, I can assure you it is by the legal definition of the word. I spent hours and hours looking up laws trying to prove to myself that it WASN’T rape, but I never found that it wasn’t, it was. Being raped “even just once” is painful and traumatic, and you have a right to heal! Even if it’s “only once”, rape is rape and it hurts! You have a right to healing and to feel however you feel!
That being said, after my trafficking experience, I wish I could say I was raped once, instead of over 10,000 times (and that 10,000 number, was JUST my trafficker, not the people he sold me to). (Also if you’re wondering how I came up with that number, my trafficker did whatever he wanted usually 3 times a day over the course of 10 years). Anyway, being raped that many times, it’s a lot to wrap one’s head around. It’s a lot to process. It’s a big number, it’s a lot! And it hurts like hell!! My trafficker literally told me women aren’t allowed to say no, that he wanted to “break my spirit”. Being raped so many times, I hope it’s something you never know. I was living from one rape to the next. I would pray to whoever would listen, just not today, please not today, or not again, just once today please!, I was never heard. I was raped in my sleep, I know because sometimes I’d wake up in the middle of being raped and go back to sleep because it was better to be unaware or my trafficker would tell me how I was raped in my sleep or show the porn video he posted of me on a site. I was his “sex slave” and he never let me forget it. He used those videos to get buyers. Anyway, I’m getting off topic here. My point is, now I wish I could say the only time I was raped was when I was ten. Being trafficked is an entirely different experience than domestic violence or even rape, because when we normally talk about rape we don’t talk about people being sold, even though when you are sold you are raped, also when your trafficked it is CONSTANT nonstop abuse, it’s not oh he beat me once a week, it’s constant, trafficking, it’s a different experience. Being sold for something is a whole level of trauma in itself, because it shows you that you are completely worthless, you’re only worth what you are being sold for, in my case mainly drugs.
I guess my point is, I’ve been through hell and I’m traumatized by it, but that doesn’t mean that those who’ve been raped once don’t have a right to heal and grow. Trauma effects everyone differently. We all have a right to heal, no matter what we’ve been through.
I really REALLY appreciate comments, they help me know someone is listening. Thank you.
Thank you for reading. Don’t forget to Shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!
So, I tried a support group tonight because my therapist thinks I need more support, which I would agree with. It’s not a human trafficking survivor support group it’s a DV survivor support group. I figured I’d try it and see. It was only my first one, but I felt out of place already.
Technically, you could call what I went through Domestic Violence as well, but it was trafficking through and through, it’s different than domestic violence, the experience itself is different, it’s constant and unrelenting. It was only my first session so I’ll try again next week, maybe I’ll connect more then? I wish there was a group of trafficking survivors who truly understood in my area, yes I’ve looked. I talked a bit to one lady but she never got back to me. All my survivor friends are in other places, except one, and I don’t want to burden her too much.
I just wish I didn’t feel so out of place in the group. The experience of being trafficked is one entirely it’s own. It’s similar in some ways but drastically different in others…. I just want someone to truly understand. I know everyone’s experience is different, but I just feel alone.
Thank you for reading, Always look for the light! Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win!
Beauty From Ashes 