The in-between

Hello everyone,

In two days I have to get surgery, I’m nervous, they are going to put me to sleep. A lot of things were done to me in my sleep or when I was drugged, and things were done to me by a medical professional, so I’m nervous about that. I also found a therapist, finally, she seems nice in email format. I see her via Telehealth the day after surgery.

I’ve been having memories come up, that have been difficult to deal with. When I was trafficked it was living one rape to the next. There were times that were what I call “in between times” those were times I wasn’t being raped, like when I ate, or had to use the restroom. Sometimes I wasn’t allowed to do either until my trafficker had his way. Sometimes he had his way while I was using the restroom. I was raped thousands of times by how many different men, I don’t know. Sometimes it was one after the other after the other…I never thought it would end. Sometimes on certain days it was just my trafficker he’d rape me wait a little, depending on his situation, a few minutes, a few hours, if I was lucky that night, so only twice that day, if I was lucky. The in-between times, I prayed to whoever would listen that I wasn’t raped again, I was never heard. I was even being raped right before my escape. In the in between times there wasn’t exactly relief because I was being hit and yelled at for some infraction or other.

It’s hard dealing with memories, especially when your CPTSD keeps bringing them up and you don’t have a therapist, so it’s good I have an intake Thursday. Thank you for listening.

Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!