The in-between

Hello everyone,

In two days I have to get surgery, I’m nervous, they are going to put me to sleep. A lot of things were done to me in my sleep or when I was drugged, and things were done to me by a medical professional, so I’m nervous about that. I also found a therapist, finally, she seems nice in email format. I see her via Telehealth the day after surgery.

I’ve been having memories come up, that have been difficult to deal with. When I was trafficked it was living one rape to the next. There were times that were what I call “in between times” those were times I wasn’t being raped, like when I ate, or had to use the restroom. Sometimes I wasn’t allowed to do either until my trafficker had his way. Sometimes he had his way while I was using the restroom. I was raped thousands of times by how many different men, I don’t know. Sometimes it was one after the other after the other…I never thought it would end. Sometimes on certain days it was just my trafficker he’d rape me wait a little, depending on his situation, a few minutes, a few hours, if I was lucky that night, so only twice that day, if I was lucky. The in-between times, I prayed to whoever would listen that I wasn’t raped again, I was never heard. I was even being raped right before my escape. In the in between times there wasn’t exactly relief because I was being hit and yelled at for some infraction or other.

It’s hard dealing with memories, especially when your CPTSD keeps bringing them up and you don’t have a therapist, so it’s good I have an intake Thursday. Thank you for listening.

Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!

4 thoughts on “The in-between”

  1. I’ve had 10+ surgeries in my lifetime and have had to be asleep for all of them. It’s never bothered me as much as it has for the most recent one I had 2 years ago, and suddenly the thought of being put to sleep while tons of people I don’t know or really trust do things to my body that I’m not aware of…yeah, it sent me spiraling. I get it, it’s not a pleasant feeling. CPTSD really does suck sometimes, but you’re not alone in your feelings there.
    Good luck ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Indeed, it is very hard to deal with bad memories. They never go away from mind and a continuous sadness prevails in mind irrespective of all enjoyments in future.
    I can understand a little bit. But you know the hard time because you have experienced.
    I will thank GOD for whatever be now that you have come out of trouble.
    Best wishes. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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