Hello everyone
I know it’s been a minute since I wrote, there’s been a lot going on. I no longer have a therapist (the organization she was with has a huge waitlist so those the know they need to refer out they told to find a new therapist. My therapist thought she could make it so we would have until the end of this month, but she was wrong so now I have no therapist.) I’m on a waitlist with another organization, but it’s six weeks out. I’m going to try to try a few places tomorrow and see how that goes.
I did get a psychiatrist though. He’s upping my medication for depression (the medication he’s having me take also helps with anxiety and CPTSD symptoms). He was nice which was good, he said “oh my god” a lot though. Kinda like that meme that says “I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say wow that much in the first session.” I’m waiting for a PA (prior authorization) to go through on the new dosage though.
This week without a therapist has been rough. I did have a wonderful time at a concert though, it was AWESOME, although finding the car was a bit of an issue. The weekend was good, but tiring. Other than the weekend it’s been hard though. My therapist (now my not therapist) thinks writing might help, so here I am, writing.
My depression has been bad lately. The flashbacks are not good, they’ve been horrible to put it lightly. I think I had a repressed memory come up and I couldn’t even share it with my therapist because it was our last session and dealing with major trauma was not okay in our last session apparently. I still need to process it and I want to talk to someone about it but everyone I know is going through major stuff right now. I’d really like it if someone told me I matter, that I’m worth more than drugs (that’s what I was sold for, and I hate them), that I’m loved. This depressive episode has been a minute and I wish it’d go away.
On the bright side I read a book my best friend said would trigger me and I should never read and I did okay with it because I read it despite her telling me not to (yes she did this because she knows I’m hard headed and don’t want to not be-able to read a book due to my trauma and she was trying to show me how strong I am).
I guess that’s a little update, there’s more, but that’s all for now.
Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!
Beauty From Ashes 
sorry to hear you are going through so much.
When you write things down, and feel that no one loves you, I wonder if you could find a way to (and please bear with me here), love yourself… In difficult situations, we may feel that we must have someone else to love us first, so that we could love ourselves. Yet, others are busy with their own troubles, as you say, whether they fully speak about them or not, and thus possibly for the time being, can’t love us first.
If you could find a way to hold the space around yourself from far away even, if from the close up feels difficult, and try to be as kind and positive towards yourself as you just now are able to. Such as think of something pleasant, the weather and the breeze, or anything that could be pleasant, until you can get closer and do it more warmly, kindly towards yourself.
Hope this helps…, and I am sorry you are going through this difficulty of having no therapist and so suddenly.
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Thank you, I’ll try that.
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I love the cover photo 🖤
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It’s amazing to me, the number of unqualified people who call themselves “Psychiatrists”!! I can empathize with you about unusual remarks, inappropriate remarks, and downright stupid-waste-of-my-time-and-money remarks. But, still, I keep looking for the right fit. Usually, I just quit and they don’t know why. I think we should be more assertive during this hour that WE PAID FOR and tell the Doctor that what they said or how they said it just won’t cut it. You’re on the right track as I see it because you are so strong and brave. You go, girl!!
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