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There’s so many things….

There are so many different aspects of what I experienced that make it trafficking. Some I don’t have the answers to, and that seems to be what replays in my mind tonight.

The person that introduced me to my trafficker lured me in with the idea that I’d be-able to help people. Before I even saw my trafficker I was already listening to him believing I’d be hurt if I didn’t. I learned as the years passed that the man that introduced me to my trafficker had told him that, “I found a young girl for you”.

This part is pure speculation on my part, but To me that seems preplanned. He found me to make me my traffickers slave. I don’t know if there was a sort of payment to do this or they are both just disgusting, but it wouldn’t surprise me. To me this just makes it more trafficking, maybe I’m wrong, I’m not a lawyer. It’s just hard I guess…. Thoughts would be appreciated,

Those are my thoughts at the moment, thank you for reading. Don’t forget to Shine! Always look for the light! Never let them win!

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Getting a new Therapist…..

Hello everyone,

I’m getting a new therapist as mine is leaving for personal reasons. (Good personal reasons, but still). She found me another therapist in their department, but she’s not trained in EMDR. Apparently my current therapist is the only one there trained in EMDR. This means I’m going to actually have to talk about things, and I’m nervous. I’m not sure if I can.

I’ve been having nightmares where I’m being trafficked again. I hate the nightmares. I hate remembering. I just wish I could make it all go away. I also wish my therapist weren’t leaving. I hope she’s okay.

Thank you for reading my mini post today,

Always look for the light! Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine!

my healing journey

Where does it really start?

Hello everyone,

I hope you had a good three day weekend! I had a wisdom tooth pulled and so was resting from that (it wasn’t as bad as I’d heard it was just annoying to not be-able to eat certain things). My best friend and family brought me mashed potatoes and chicken noodle soup and we played a game so that was fun!

However, today I’ve been stuck in my head. I’ve heard that healing begins once you acknowledge the pain that was caused. I don’t even know where to start with my trauma, there’s just so much. I’m trying to figure out how to grieve but I think I’m failing at that too. I wish I had words to express how I’m feeling how utterly overwhelming it seems but I don’t. I started a poem type thing maybe that will help?

A decade of abuse,

Ten years of trafficking

Ten years without a name

Ten years of pain

Ten years a slave

Ten years of being a possession

A decade of abuse

A lifetime of torment

Ten years of being trafficked

A lifetime of agony

Ten years of a life

Yet a life forever changed.

Ten years of torture

A lifetime of torment

How do I grieve what I can barely put in words?

How do I put in to words the pain and torture, the suffering and torment?

How do I heal when I can barely feel?

How do I feel when I’ll just fall apart?

I was trafficked for ten years,

Ten years your slave,

Ten years of torture,

A lifetime of pain.

How do I heal when I can barely feel?

How do I heal when I can barely acknowledge what you’ve done?

How do I heal?

How do I heal?

A decade of trafficking

A lifetime of pain.

I hope that poem maybe, sorta, puts how I’m feeling into words? I’m not sure…

Thank you for reading. Don’t forget to shine! Never let them win! Always look for the light!

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Just a few thoughts

Today has been a day. I told my therapist there’s a lot I don’t talk about in regards to my trafficking. That I don’t know where to start. That it hurts, it hurts a lot. Today everything just kind of hit me again and it’s hard.

I mean what am I supposed to say? I was raped and raped and raped again? And again and again and again ect ect? How do you put things into words? Such horrendous things? I’m just a bit in my feelings today and that’s sort of where I’m at.

Thanks for reading this mini post.

my story

Outraged….. You should be.

So, for the foundation we are looking up laws on the state and federal level on Human Trafficking. I was trafficked in the western half of the Untied States and a few states on the East coast. The highest state law is life the lowest is 5 years in prision, some states (not ones I was trafficked in) have as low as 3 years in prison and a fine. This is not okay. 5 years in prision for traumatizing people? 5 years in prision for enslaving and tourting people. Five years is less than the time I was trafficked for!!

I don’t understand how the minimum can be 5 years and in some states the maximum is 25 years. That’s it. 25 years for altering someones entire life. Someone has to live with the trauma of being trfficked and its effects for the rest of their lives but the perpetrator is only punished for 5 years or 25 years? How is that fair? How is this okay? I can’t even talk about things in therapy yet with my therapist because there is so much of it. There are things I can’t talk about with anyone because they are so traumatic! Yet the traffickers only get 5 years. Yet the traffickers are not fairly punished. They walk free.

This is all if a trafficker is even caught. Alot of survivors, myself included, run. They don’t look back, they run. Just trying to be free. For me, when I finally escaped it was die if I stayed, die if I left. Those were my choices. I chose to run, at least I would die free. I’m still alive right now, why? I choose to believe I have someone watching over me. Or maybe, knowing my trafficker that is what he wants, for me to feel comfortable, safe, before he comes for me. That’s part of why I never feel safe, I know how he thinks. Maybe it’s all part of his psychological manipulation, if I never truly feel safe, am I ever truly free? I have CPTSD, the psychological abuse, the mental abuse, it’s hard to shake.

I do know that the sentancing for perpatrators of human trafficking is extreamly low for all the harm they have caused to their victims. If I had a say I would recommend life in prision, in confinment with next to no contact with anyone. So they can sit and think about the horrendous harm they have caused to people. I think that would be worse than death. I don’t believe you can forgive yourself for perpetrating something on someone of your own free will, at least that is if you have a conscious, which brings up a whole new thought process. Do those that traffick people even have a conscious? If not, then wouldn’t the penalty be better if it were death?

I know this post was a bit all over the place, sorry for that. My point is we need to have strickter penalties for those that knowingly, willingly, and freely bring harm to others. The laws we have now aren’t even close to what they should be.

Never Let them Win! Dont’ forget to shine! Always look for the light!

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What fills your cup?

Hello,

My therapist and I talked about what fills my cup. I’m not sure. She said if I didn’t have anything to fill my cup then I’d be a mess, probably true as half the time I’m not even sure how I’m still standing. (A lot of pushing things to the back of my mind and avoidance I assume).

Some things that fill my cup I think are friends, family, time to rest and recharge, a good book and a warm blanket. Being of service fills my cup and I think maybe writing does too?

What fills your cup when you feel drained? What helps you get through the day? What fills you up?

Thank you for reading, always look for the light! Never let them win! Don’t forget to shine!

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Thought for the night….

There so much of my trafficking that I don’t talk about. There’s so much that no one knows. It’s hard to put into words all that I’ve been through…. If I even can. There’s so much mental and psychological abuse that goes along with it. There’s so much that I don’t talk about, and sometimes it weighs on me. There’s so much that happened that I don’t know if anyone can understand. There’s so much of my trafficking that I don’t talk about.

my healing journey

Nightmares

*** TRIGGER WARNING***

Trigger warning: This blog post contains content which may cause emotional distress to the reader. In the event that any emotional distress occurs while reading the post, kindly desist from reading and seek professional help immediately. If you are concerned that this post may trigger an adverse reaction at this point, kindly stop reading and seek professional help if needed. By continuing to read this post, it means that you understand the associated risks.

Hello everyone,

I had a nightmare the other night, and I can’t seem to shake it. (I’m pretty sure this was a memory) I only saw a hand on the back or my head and my hair a mess. It felt like I was in a house… I was passed around to different men, each taking their turn. It smelled. I can’t seem to get this nightmare/possible memory out of my head… I don’t know what to think. I’m hoping writing it out here might help it get out of my mind.

I had my second EMDR session, it went okay. Healing is just so hard sometimes…. I just want to curl in a ball and block out the world. My therapist said we aren’t doing hypnosis, EMDR won’t make the memories go away… my thought was we can do that?? I’d rather have them go away. Yet, not knowing everything is hard too. It’s a weird double edged sword.

So, I’m hoping writing out that nightmare/maybe memory will help. Thanks for listening.

Never let them Win! Don’t forget to shine! Always look for the light!